Confessions of a Game-Mistress

101 things never to do or say in a D&D
101. Never play D&D and do cocaine at the same time
100. Never trust the beautiful female stuck behind the easily opened door.
99. Never stand next to the thief when he checks traps.
98. Never trust the guy who says, “Don’t worry that’s just a statue.”
97. Never say, “What’s this lever do?” and then pull it.
96. Never say your DM sucks.
95. Never mess with dead bodies.
94. Never mess with inanimate objects that talk to you.
93. Never say, “There probably isn’t a trap.”
92. Never bargain with demons/monsters.
91. Never give your archenemy mercy-he will just keep showing up
90. Never try to melt a wall of ice with a torch.
89. Never say that a giant isn’t that big and strong
88. Never chop down a treant
87. Never touch a spellbook.
86. Never look down the end of a magic wand.
85. Never use newly found magic items (lets see what this does).
84. Never ask a thief to testify on your behalf.
83. Never hit a little kid in the sight of a ranger.
82. Never trust that guy in a dungeon that says, “Trust me.”
81. Never trust a fighter that says I like wearing leather armor and using daggers.
80. Never attack the baby dragon that has a huge hoard (no he didn’t start young).
79. Never let dwarves negotiate.
78. Never open a chest with skulls and a big padlock.
77. Never free anything magically imprisoned that says, “Please help me im not evil.”
76. Never put the low-level mage in the front of the party to scout.
75. Never think you are actually sneaking up on that dragon.
74. Never grasp the holy avenging sword of light blessed by the gods of good if Evil (I don’t care if it is+5)
73. Never climb the evil death tree that grows in the middle of a desert ( with bodies hanging from it).
72. Never dismiss the eerie feelings you get or the voices that you hear when entering a strange new place.
71. Never trust the beautiful naked female bathing in the calm serene pool of water.
70. Never try to jump through the wall of fire.
69. Never stick your hand into darkness that isn’t dispelled by torchlight.
68. Having successfully retrieved your hand don’t try your head.
67. Never eat the great feast in a grand ballroom that just happens to be 3000 year old abandoned castle.
66. Never agitate a ghost.
65. Never spit at the kings personal bodyguard
64. Never follow the scantly clad female that beckons you.
63. Never take time to gloat over your enemies (just finish them).
62. Never turn your back to a thief while in battle.
61. Never hit on an Amazon.
60. Never eat anything a ghost offers you.
59. Never piss off the Master of the Hunt by destroying his Garden of Delight.
58. Never trust the new guy that dresses in leather armor and a cloak.
57. Never betray the party and let them find out about it.
56. Never investigate the magic fog that just appears outside you campsite.
55. Never investigate the strange sounds outside your camp alone.
54  Never investigate the strange sounds outside your camp alone and leave the party sleeping.
53  Never blaspheme against a God in his own temple
52. Never betray the thieves guild
51. Never “moo” at a minotaur.
50. Never say (if you’re 1^st level) lets kill the king and take over.
49. Never wander off by yourself.
48. Never betray the thieves’ guild and let them find out.
47. Never say (if you are a goblin) its just a couple of dwarves I’m sure they won’t attack.
46. Never discredit the town fools ranting as gibberish.
45. Never trust the shady guy who sits in the shadows of the tavern.
44. Never call a dwarf a goblin
43. Never argue over petty things.
42  Never get into a drinking contest with a dwarf.
41. Never ask a goblin to hold something for you.
40. Never agree to finish 2000-year-old ghosts last Quest (think about it) he couldn’t do it, and in all these                                   
       years no one else could either.
39. Never say, “Wait here. I will be right back,” and go into a room alone.
38. Never kiss a zombie (you may laugh but someone did in a game once ran it wasn’t pretty).
37  Never summon dark Gods and think they will appreciate it.
36. Never attack the head of the wizard’s conclave.
35. Never jump headfirst into the eerily dark pool in the lost dungeon.
34. Never trust the mysterious voice that beckons from some unseen place.
33. Never think that the glowing eyes at the end of the corridor are friendly.
32. Never try to break into a mages tower when the mage is at home.
31. Never say “no” if someone asked you if you are a god.
30. Never think that the sleeping baby dragon is a easy target (mommy isn’t far away).
29. Never let someone continually cast haste spells on you.
28. Never steal from a dragon and expect to get away with it (not even if it’s only 1 coin) he will know.
27. Never attack an army of dwarves in the mountains
26. Never attack an army of elves in a forest.
25. Never get into a head-butting contest with a dwarf.
24. Never camp in the hallway.
23. Never go on an adventure with a guy who says this is my last adventure.
22. Never piss off the evil cleric in a graveyard.
21. Never walk down the fairy road.
20. Never defile the statues of evil Gods or Goddesses.
19. Never slap a mage-even if they aren’t powerful yet, they remember these things.
18. Never follow strangers into dark alleys.
17. Never grab all the ancient holy elven swords for yourself!
16. Never cast a lightning spell in an iron 20×20x20 ft room.
15. Never cast a fireball spell in a 20×20x20 ft room-especially if it’s made of wood and full of webs.
14. Never volunteer to test newfound magic potions.
13. Never shoot a flaming arrow into a room filled with old kegs.
12. Never take watch at midnight.
11. Never pull a Hellhounds tail.
10. Never think demons will make good partners.
9. Never go mixing magic potions.
8. Never eat dinner with fairies.
7. Never cast a fireball in a room that is only 10×10x10 and full of explosive liquid.
6. Never put a bag of holding into a bag of holding.
5. Never call a dragon ugly.or say truthfully I think I think your horde sucks!!!!!
4. Never BETRAY THE ASSASSINS GUILD!!!
3. Never sell your soul to the dark forces.
2. Never try and an assassinate the most powerful mage in the world (25^th  level or higher)
1. Never under any circumstances stick your head in a hole inside a dungeon.